Here is a heart...

 I have  a heart
and it is all I have left
I cant control life,
or fight death,
I cant make love stay,
and I have lost friends ,
for reasons I cant explain,
good things come to an end,
I guess...


I tried to buy my way,
into happiness,
but it was no easy price to pay,
the journey was endless,
day after day,
There were moments,
when I thought I found her,
but as I stretched out my hands,
to reach her,
only for a brief moment,
she faded away,
and the heavy price I paid,
a waste again...


I thought to my self,
I am worthy,
I deserve this,
and indeed,
I can do it all,
be it all,
make you love me,
then I would be happy,
yet another fall,
waiting in my wake...

All I Had was my heart,
fragile,
battered and bruised,
broken then glued,
beating faintly with a smile,
and all who knocked were let in
It was the only way I knew,
But I could never make them stay,
they took and took,
and I gave and gave,
But I lost anyway.

Desperate,
hanging on to my Heart,
my open broken heart,
drowning in blame,
but no one tried,
to see, to understand..
or Believe,
to Give me a chance,
They left,and never looked back..

I cant buy happiness,
or force friends,
but I can't shut these doors,
because then,
I'ld be left with darkness,
and a life without light,
is not worth living,
so i'll take the pain,
and keep on giving,
and if you want to come in,
I' ll let you,
If you wanna leave,
that's fine too.
None of that ,
can make me any less me.
If you choose to stay,
and look deep,
and see these stitches,
and tape,
holding my frail heart,
together,
Even better...
here is a heart,
its all I've got,
its all I am giving..


Hey guys,
 I will try my best to keep my letter very brief today because the message of this poem is quite clear. So many people will hurt you in the course of your life time, people Who you expected much more from, they will let you down! over , and over and over again... I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the one thing you can always count on people to do, is let you down. Then there are those you try constantly to please, bend over backwards to make them stay, sacrifice everything only to find them walking out on you...My advice, LET THEM LEAVE! Friendship is not a hostage situation, don't let any one hold it over your head or make you feel like its a privilege to be in their presence.  I found that they always find a way back if they truly belong in your story.
  Now to my most important point. With everything you have, fight that urge to let the bad experiences define who you are, or much less your next relationships. Maintain that goodness in you, and do not shut your heart to the rest of the world. If you are  a lover keep loving and  If you are a giver keep giving even  if  sometimes you may get nothing back , move on, allow time to heal you. Do not hold on to the scars, and shut your heart and eyes to the light , and hopes of the future. Truth is, as bad as people are, there are some good ones out there. They may be very few but they are out there, those who will see you for who you are and be happy to walk with you, and share in your story...Having also learnt this lesson quite recently, I stand with you, Hopeful !

WITH ALL MY HEART,
PAMELA...

THE GIRL I DIDNT LIKE

The girl i didn’t like…

I didn’t like that girl,

The one looking back back at me,

From behind  the mirror.

All I see is her faults,

Her mistakes…

Constantly misjudged,

Misunderstood, and insulted…

Always taken for granted

I saw her weakness,

And i hated her..

How people walked all over her,

In and out as they pleased..

What’s worse? She let them…

She got tired of being accused ,

And being guilted for what she didnt do

She went out and did them.

She never put up a fight

For what she believed in her heart was right

And the moment it got hard, she quit.

Never quite felt like she fit in,

Never quite knew her part.

She cried, more than she smiled,

Her hot tears burned holes through her heart.

The girl who traded her principles,

To be politically correct,

And Socially acceptable.

How i loathed her,

With every value she sold,

She sunk deeper,

Till she Breathed water.

A little sleep a little slumber,

Counting pennies by the tracks,

Watching helplessly,

As destinies depart,

Train after train,

she sat there,

Seeking company,

In anyone and anything,

Hungrily yearning to feel complete

Unwhole,empty, scourned,

Died a million deaths,

But never mourned.

Too blinded in her weakness

To find her might.

Too scared of loosing

to join in the fight.

Double minded,

Undecisive,

Uncertain,

Uncomfortable in her own skin,

Ready to settle,

For far too little.

I hated her so much,

Till i grew to love her,

I came to know that girl,

And came to the shocking realization,

That I was infact, that girl.

Hating her was the easy way out,

Blaming her saved me,

I never got to take responsibility,

Or Commit to my journey.

You see?,

I sat pretty,

Whilst concealing my reality

Focused on the end result,

Whilst neglecting the process

I trembled in the face of every challenge,

Scurrying back to my comfort zone.

Helpless and alone.

And now that i know better,

I am done hating her,

Infact, I am done being her.

HEY GUYS,

You might have been wondering if it was a wrap, believe me , I wondered the same thing too. In the spirit of honesty, I would love to say I took that long break because I was busy, Life took a toll on me, Or any fantastic excuse I can cook up, but it really wasn't the case . You might notice that the post today is not very poetic, no oxymorons, or similes, or any figurative language. I aimed to be very lucid with this post, so that nothing gets lost in translation, but that doesn't make it any less of a poem,although slightly exaggerated for effect.For a moment there I had a full plate of school work, exams etc.. but for the most time, I was just being somewhat of a quitter.The truth is, I lost inspiration, for the longest time , I searched for the connection I once shared with my pen, with words, I lost it.

I lost inspiration because I never got the result I expected, the calculated end I anticipated, and what's worse , I was hurt by the rejection. People told me all sorts , directly and indirectly...''poems are lame..., in the light of recent evolution,poetry is uninteresting, why don't you do a gossip blog, fashion blog? ..., A sports blog will be great.., '' they voiced all sorts of unsolicited opinions that quite frankly gave me second thoughts, third , fourth, on and on till I was void of words, till my pen became a stranger to me..

I became the girl constantly throwing pity parties, bending my opinions to fit into what was expected of me. I Couldn't commit to anything, I ran with this diet till i didn't and then that fitness plan till i didn't, and then this chapter, that gym ... I soon couldn't complete anything i picked up,I became a quitter.

I am my truest in my words, my verses, my poems. A very special person taught me that if i could be that invested in what people who didn't believe in me or my gift thought of me and let it affect me in the manner that it did, i could not but imagine how far i could go if i alligned my self with the people who believed in me, even if its a single person. Not every one understands my craft or my art, that in itself makes it special as it is not for everyone.Said person also taught me that.

That being said, I am so sure I was not the only one going through this phase, so if u hated or still hate the girl or the boy in the mirror, this post is dedicated to you. it sounds very cliche , because every one talks about change but no one really tells us how to achieve it, or warns us against the dangers of not embracing it. For me, this very post, me writing and spilling my heart out here, is proof in itself. I am terrified but I Will weather it, and when next I take a look in the mirror, it will be a beautiful view. I do hope it is the same for you. Quick disclaimer, if your life is a perfect bed of roses, no flaws and all,please feel free to ignore this post. This is for the real people with real problems . Be blessed!

WITH ALL MY HEART,

PAMELA.